Weird Work
What’s the weirdest work you’ve ever done? We are looking to compile the strangest and most amusing tales from members of the security industry, those interested in becoming part of the security industry, and anyone else who is keen to have their say.
These stories don’t need to be security-related – in fact, the broader the range, the more interesting they’re likely to be.
And we’re not just looking for strange jobs – though we’d be more than happy to hear about them – we’d like to hear the strange things that people have asked you to do, or the bizarre situations you’ve ended up in.
Here goes:
New Year Fear - from Gerry
Hello, I am Gerry, a rather nescient security controller from
It was New Years Eve, and I was due my first ever one off - until the magic phone tinkled, and I was called out to cover a blow-out at the college. I was cajoled into accepting this offer with: 'There's no one on site, so you wont be bothered with students, or the usual locking unlocking, alarm setting, visitors to tend to, no bars open to bother you either, everything is locked down, you'll be based in the bank building so no keys required, just external checks...' They convinced me to travel the 28 miles out into the sticks.
I arrived and did a drive around the site (massive it was too), then parked up in the bank buildings small car park – entered the building, and logged on.
To my delight, there was newspapers, magazines, a small kitchen, kettle, tea-bags, and milk available; such luxury had never been known before.
I settled in the main reception in a really comfortable arm chair, and put on the radio.
An old Navy Lark comedy show was just starting, so I decided to listen to this, then do another site check. After the 30 minute show had ended, I got the swipe gun, my torch, put on my coat and hat and exited through the front door – to be greeted by falling heavy snow, with a mould of it burying my car completely!
I thought it best to get my car out now, and put it further up the hill in case I cold not get out in 14 hours when the shift ended. Doing so, I decided to carry our my patrol in the vehicle.
It seemed surreal driving slowly around to the noise of the crunching fresh snow under the tyres.
As I drove past the lido towards a residential block, I noticed tracks in the fresh snow! I opened the window and glanced down, determining they were made by someone walking and pushing a cycle. I followed the tracks, as they led into the theatre car park. I got out, mag-light in hand, and walked down into the park, and could see the intruder’s outline up at the end of the wall, apparently leaning on his pushbike looking out over the fields at the back.
I approached silently, and with an authoritative voice boomed: "Now then, what can I do for you!"
He turned around to face me with his shotgun.
I just managed to control my bladder. He immediately broke his weapon. It transpired he was a local who was given permission to go rabbiting on site. He gave me the name of the caretaker, his address, and the barrier code, so I left him to it, asking him to knock on the bank’s door to let me know when he was leaving the site.
Anyway, the snow kept coming... and coming.
When it was time to leave, again I cleared the car of snow, and started the perilous journey home.
No tyre tracks on the road to indicate where the road and ditches divided! During this journey, I had to go down the notorious 'Bunny Hill', steep and winding. I put her in 3rd gear and managed to get right to the bottom last left hand bend – where I gently spun around few times before ending up with the boot in a ditch and the bonnet facing up to the sky!
Still, you can't do too much for a good company!
Iceland fish excitement - from Anthony Hildebrand
Before entering the security industry as part of Security Installer magazine, and now as editor of www.info4security.com, I worked for the world renowned – and respected, I’ll have you know – publication Fish Farming International. It’s true.
I knew as much about fish and aquaculture as fish know about me, but that didn’t stop me from reporting all the fish farming news that was fit to print. Part of the job involved occasional travel, which was sometimes pleasant – visiting
At one stage I was invited to visit
I’d been visiting various businesses during the day, doing interviews and taking photos and shaking hands, so I was suited up. My host left me with a short, friendly man in waterproof yellow dungarees – a dead ringer for Benny from Abba. This was neither negative or positive.
Benny invited me to accompany him to his workplace – a large shed. There, I was instructed to don these kind of shower cap things to cover my shoes. He pointed out various pieces of technology around the shed, and then suggested we head into the darkened area out the back to “see the boys at work”. This wasn’t the first time I’d heard this particular offer, but it was the first time I accepted.
Benny ushered me towards a heavy curtain, and introduced me to his colleague, whose name I am unfortunately unable to recall. For clarity’s sake, we’ll call him Bjorn.
Benny and Bjorn pulled aside the heavy, waterproof curtain, to reveal one of those above-ground swimming pools. This one featured a ladder up to a slatted bridge. Suspended under the bridge was a fibreglass bench. In the water were quite a few large halibut. (For the fish-ignorant, a fully grown halibut is quite big.)
My hosts suggested that I clamber up the ladder and onto the bridge above the pool, from where I would be able to take photos of them at work. I did so – but the only way to get a decent image of the work about to take place – utilising the bench below – was to prostrate myself and put the camera lens in between the plastic slats of the bridge.
This is where I found myself when Benny and Bjorn – by now into the water in their matching yellow dungarees – heaved a massive halibut onto the bench below. For some reason Benny was holding a one litre plastic jug.
I watched as he manipulated the fish, while Bjorn held it in place. Suddenly, liquid was pouring from the fish, and filling the large plastic jug. I assumed this was what I was meant to be photographing, and snapped away.
It was only after I’d got a few shots that it dawned on me: Benny and Bjorn were ‘milking’ the halibut. Benny had manipulated the halibut to climax.
I was laying flat on my stomach in a darkened shed in the north of
And I was being paid to do so.
After a time the halibut had finished up. I was slightly stunned, to tell you the truth. Benny put the resultant goop in some kind of scientific container in an icebox, and we drove in silence to the main part of the hatchery.
A few weeks later, the special Iceland Aquaculture supplement featured in Fish Farming International. I was pleased to see that one of my graphic halibut pictures had made the full-colour centrespread.
And from Jobs4fireandsecurity.com’s Advertising Manager Jo Lancaster comes this tale…
“In my former life as a delivery man I would dart around in a large, white Mercedes Sprinter. A long time ago in a seaside town far, far away I was jetting about in the scorching summer sun when I located what I thought was the address for the fence panels and paving slabs I was carrying onboard.
“As many of you former multi drop van drivers are probably aware, speed is of the essence. So, with great ‘care and attention’ I reversed my van up this particular customer’s driveway. As I jumped out of my cab I noticed an elderly gentleman looking at me from a couple of driveways up the road. We ‘white van men’ do tend to attract attention when reversing at speed in a confined space, so in thought nothing of it.
“I rang the door bell, and when eventually it was answered a gentleman told me to get the hell off his driveway as he was expecting no such delivery. Sheepishly I retreated and approached my van again.
“In doing so I noticed the previously mentioned chap with the odd stare was waiting for me by the cab. As I walked towards him he said: “So will you be coming to my house then?” Ah, so that’s why you were looking at me, I thought.
““Yes,” I said. “You’re expecting some slabs and fence panels, yeah?” “Mmm, you’ll come inside then?” He said…” With your shirt off”? “WHAT? Did you…?” “Mmm, with your shirt off…”
“Needless to say I made my excuses to the chap with the urges and locked myself in the cab! As it turns out the actual delivery address was the next road along.”